Sunday, April 1, 2012


I woke up this morning to an empty bed. Not that it was a real surprise that Rob was passed out of the sofa because he was down at his parents house last night drinking.  Just to prove my point with what I was saying in my last post. When will enough be enough?
It hurts me because he know how much it bothers me. He know that I hate how he acts. And most of all he knows that I hate when I can't wake him up the next morning.I ccould have plans for weeks but because he didn't get his damn beauty sleep I have to fight with him just to get up. It is not my fault that spending hours at your parents drinking, and not coming home til sometimes 4 am is more important then other things in life. Just really gets on my nerves and wish things would change. I'm tired of telling him how I feel... tired of trying to talk about it... just tired in general.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Well here goes...

I should be in bed because I am totally drained. Since I found that I can blog from my phone now id like to add a little more... : )
They say that everything happens for a reason... I still test that theory daily. If everything does happen for a reason, why do so many negative things happen? And not just to me, but everyone...?
I stated in my first post that I've had some diffacult roadblocks in my life, but who hasn't? I'm constantly thinking to myslef "is this what I get out of life?" "Is this what my life has become?" And not that I'm not satisfied with most things in my life, but some things I settle with because I'm tired of trying... 
My two boys are my world, and reguardless of what life brings me, they are two things that I would NEVER change. If there is any sanity in my existance it is because of them.
I spent 6 years with Tobys father being verbally and mentally abused with his banter about how I should look, or feel, or even how I should be the perfect woman. For most of those years I listened and did as I was told. After Toby was born I decided enough was enough and left him when Toby was about 4 months old. Never had I imagined a life with a split family, but that was a chance I took to save what little self respect I had for myself...
In the meanwhile, during my on again off again period with Tobys father was a boyfriend who was nothing more then the same... this one however, was despised by everyone in my family. He was literally on the top of my mistakes list. Now I look back and ask myself "why?" He was far from being my standards of a good looking man, and was by far one of the laziest men I've ever know... the critisism didn't take long to start with him, nor did the romance soon fade. I was just another person in his book of people to use and walk all over... what is odd is he was so protective of me though. I was his first, which made him clingy. But all at the same time ignorant. He cheated on me 3 weeks into our relationship (because aparently he thought since he wasn't a virgin anymore he had to show other girls he knew how to do it) and normally where I would draw the line and say the hell with it, I stayed. I let him mentally and verbally abuse me just the same. About 2 months in, the abuse became physical and again, I didn't draw a line. I'm not sure if I was just really that depressed or just had absolutley no respect for myself,  but I put up with it. About 5 months in he forced me to have sex when I said no. In my eyes, boyfriend or not, when a woman says no, and it continues anyway by force, that's rape. A few days after that he had again forced himself on me when I said no. It got physical and this time I fought back. I ended up with my wrists tied together to the top of the bed, my feet to the bottom, while he stands there and lit the bed on fire. In all reality did I not see my life flash before my eyes. In a house of 6 people, no one came after hearing us fight and then followed by my screams, except his mentally challenged brother who knew something was wrong. After that night, I packed my things I had and left.  A good 3 years went by where I got emails, phonecalls, even drives past my house by him... it took him to find someone else to deal with his stupid ass before he even attemped to leave me alone...
Wow. If it took me that long to explain that short relationship I had, how long will it take to explain one for six years? Lol.
To make a very long, somewhat disturbing story with Tobys father short for the time being, he was an asshole. Still is, and always will be. Even after I left, the mental and emotional toll he took on me was horrible. The constant bantter about how I'm not fit to be a mother, and how he will do anything in his power to make sure I can't see Toby, let alone have him live with me. Almost 2 years, numerous court dates, 2 evaluations, and a very expensive lawyer later, we have joint custody. Toby is home with me more then he's with his Dad, but changes with his fathers job. Some weeks he dosnt get to see him at all. Which was fine with me until I see how it bothers toby at times. I know he misses him, and I understand that. I will never cause Toby any stress over it, so for the last 2 years I have made ammends with him, and get along for Tobys sake. Do I still hate him for treating me the way he did? Absolutley, with every ounce of my being... but I'm happy that were to the point where we can get along without fighting.
My husband Rob, who I met when Toby was 6 months, has for the most part been good to me.  He's never once raised his hand to me, and I know for a fact he won't. He treats me with respect, dosnt care what I look like, and tells me I'm sexy even when I know I'm not. Naturally there are things that bother me with him, and the biggest one is his drinking. He's not an alchoholic, far from it really, but he drinks almost every weekend, all weekend, and just becomes this nasty, ignorant, argumentative asshole and I can't stand it. I've learned from previous times to just bite my tounge and walk away because most he won't remember anyway, but sometimes he won't let me do that and it just hurts so much. It literally hurts my heart. I've changed myself for the better in so many ways, but still let myself be treated like this. It bothers me more that he can argue and say nasty things to me when he's drunk, and the next morning, without even asking me what happened the night before, will appologize for whatever he may have done. Really? Are you kidding me? I've tried talking to him when he's sober and he promises to change. That's been about 4 years in the making now, and has yet to happen. And don't get me wrong, its not always that way. Sometimes he's a happy drunk, but it only takes one little thing said wrong to spark the rest.
We had a small phase about 2 years ago where I left him. Mostly with the drinking, but also with the living arrangements. We lived with his parents, brother & his girlfriend, their daughter, and two friends. 11 people under one roof. We shared this tiny bedroom with Toby and Aiden and I just couldn't deal with everyone constantly in our business, and having no privacy what so ever. He refused at first to leave home because he thought we were fine where we were... to hin it wasn't an issue, to me it was.
*to be continued* (seriously time for bed)

Not Sure What to Say...

Im not really sure where I should begin...  My life has been full of challenges, up and downs, and they still follow me to this day.  Whenever I feel I get close to something or someone, all hopes I had for that situation get shot down the drain.  I am forever telling myself that I refuse to let it happen again... But in due time, sure enough, I let my guard down, and history repeats itself.
Im hoping with this blog, I will have the peace of mind to atleast vent and not stress myself out over a lot of things.  Naturally, I cant allow everyone in my family to veiw this so im still not quite sure what the point is, lol : )
Things are okay at the moment... Im a little confused about some feelings I have with certain people in my life, but that will have to wait til another day. I am overtired, and just totally drained.